Behind My Smile

Blogging has become a space to be me. I get to share and show what Jesus is doing in my life and how He is changing me. I am going to switch it up a little today and just share my story. After a brief chat with a high school classmate, I realized how much I needed to do this. To share the story behind my constant smiling, I try to show.

Brokeness has been a common theme throughout my life. Broken dreams, broken people,  and broken relationships, and a broken me. I grew up in a broken Christian home. I saw and heard many things that a young child should not experience. To sum up: health problems, addictions, anger, unfaithfulness, and divorce.  I list them to not have people feel bad for me, but to see God's continued faithfulness in my life. Growing up in church, I  heard the gospel and knew the gospel in my head, but it wasn't in my heart. My heart had become full of anger and bitterness in light of my parent's divorce and the issues surrounding it. It was a challenge to place the gospel I knew so well in my head to my heart, because of the blinders of my broken Christian home. Also, as a child, I thought head knowledge was enough to get by with my own sinfulness.  At this time, little did I know how the Father was at work in my family's life and the things that were about to change from New York state to the South Carolina upstate.

Bitterness still consumed my eleven-year-old self and heart. However, I went on as if nothing was wrong with me needing Christ in my heart. Then two weeks after I turned eleven, my dad met my mom (step-mom) through exchanged information via a mutual friend. It was then my life would be very different a year later as they were married. To be frank, I didn't really appreciate my mom when I was younger, but as I have gotten older, I have grown to love her and appreciate her for the mother she has been to me. I needed more than I knew.

At the age of twelve, my family changed, my place of residence changed, my middle school and my heart was changed. That's a lot of change for a twelve-year-old. However, through God's sovereignty,  this would be all the change I needed to come to Christ.  I was still bitter within my heart, but I also started to experiment in my own heart and mind with lust and being attracted to both genders at the age of twelve. Most people would call this being bi or bisexual.

As the next few months passed, the Holy Spirit began to convict my heart of my sin and my brokenness. The mask I wore could not hide my need for the Savior.  In February 2010, I saw my brother get saved, and I saw the change in him. It was merely because I saw the difference in my brother and the heavy conviction of the Holy Spirit, I came to know Christ at the age of 12 (March 2010). still
This is the reason I smile. Through the broken pieces and my sinfulness, that Jesus even saved me, he yet rescued me from myself.
The simple gospel, Jesus came, Jesus died, Jesus resurrected and so that all might be saved.